Lawyer: “No, I mean—what’s the foundation of your case?”
Man: “Oh! Made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “Sir, do you and your wife have a grudge?”
Man: “No need! We have a carport!”
Lawyer: “Let’s try again… what are your relations like?”
Man: “All still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Sir, has there been any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “Oh yes! We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean… does your wife ever beat you up?”
Man: “No, no, I wake up before her every day!”
Lawyer: Getting frustrated. “Then why do you want a divorce?”
Man: “Because she tries to k-1.l.l me!”
Lawyer: “What?! What makes you think that?”
Man: “I have proof! She buys a bottle at the drugstore… puts it in the bathroom!”
Lawyer: “And what did the bottle say?”
Man: “Right on label… ‘Regular Polish Remover!’”
A couple eats at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”
A couple eats at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the pot’s lid rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.
He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot
He reaches for it, and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
“Please, sir,” says the waiter, “what do you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
“Ah… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck.”
LOL!!
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
How much money did I have?
Puzzles can come in many “flavors.” Today, there are millions to pick from online.
It can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions – and even a classic old riddle.
Riddles are very popular here, so here comes one.
Here comes the old riddle.
How Much Money Did I Have?
The riddle says:
I had 13 dollars.
My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars.
My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars. I had another 5 dollars.
How much money did I have?
We’ll report the correct answer below.
A
B
C
Here is the correct answer
Have you come up with an answer? Take a deep breath and concentrate, the answer might be easier than you think.
Maybe there is something you are missing in this old riddle?
After the picture below, you can see if you got the right solution.
The answer is 18 Dollars.
You can get a hint in the question that it basically asks how much money “DID” I have? This means it is asking about how much YOU had. Not how much you received from anyone.
So, the money you had is 18 dollars.
(Since this answers to the question, stating the amount of money you had apart from the money received by you by your parents and relatives.)
Therefore, you had 13 dollars and another 5 dollars originally with you, which sums up to 18 dollars.
Clever, right? You have to think outside the box to come up with the answer.
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An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening.
They’ve been married for 55 years. The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they’re both sipping lukewarm tea, watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the yard.
Out of the blue, Edna sighs and says, “Bert, let’s talk about our bucket lists.”
Bert raises an eyebrow. “Bucket lists? Edna, I’m 87. My list is down to ‘wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants.’”
Edna chuckles. “No, I’m serious. Before we go, we should each do something we’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance.”
Bert thinks for a moment. “Alright, fine. I’ve always wanted to go skydiving.”
Edna’s eyes widen. “Skydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.”
Bert shrugs. “Well, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden. I’ve always wanted to haunt him.”
They laugh, and Edna nods. “Okay, okay. You go skydiving. I’ll do mine too.”
Bert squints. “And what’s yours?”
Edna suddenly gets this mischievous sparkle in her eye — the same one she had back in 1965 when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out the car window during an argument.
“I’ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.”
Bert gulps. “Confess what?”
Edna leans closer and whispers, “You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?”
Bert nods. “Yeah, blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.”
Edna smiles. “Well, it was me. I jammed a spatula in the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in ’89.”
Bert gasps. “You monster!”
Edna giggles. “And remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark channel, no matter what button you pressed?”
Bert blinks. “You said it was haunted!”
Edna smirks. “Nope. I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it. You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.”
Bert’s mouth drops open. “Why would you do that?!”
Edna sips her tea, serene. “Because payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.”
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing and says, “You know what, Edna? I’ve got a confession too.”
“Oh?” she says.
“You remember my ‘fishing trips’ every Saturday for ten years?”
Edna eyes him. “You don’t fish.”
“I know,” Bert says proudly. “I was at the bowling alley. I won four trophies. They’re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.”
Edna stares at him in disbelief. “You mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!”
They both burst into laughter.
And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they now go bowling together — mostly to keep an eye on each other.
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car a.c.cident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Thanks to the wife’s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had been in great shape for the last decade.
St. Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion—complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table.
“Wow! How much does this cost?” the husband asked.
“Nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is Heaven—everything is free!”
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world’s most elite greens.
“Incredible!” the wife said. “And the green fees?”
“Free,” St. Peter chuckled. “This is Heaven.”
Then, they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast—Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream.
The husband, still skeptical, asked, “Okay… but how much?”
“Sir, for the last time… FREE. This is Heaven!”
The husband hesitated. “Well… do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?”
St. Peter laughed. “In Heaven, you’ll never gain weight or get sick. Eat whatever you want!”
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.
“What’s wrong??” his wife asked, confused.
He pointed at her and yelled, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If it weren’t for your damn bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!!!
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
——————————————————————————————————————————————
Little Johnny failed his math test.
Father: “Why did you fail your mathematics test?”
Johnny: “On Monday, the teacher said 3+5=8.”
Father: “So?”
Johnny: “On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8
And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8…
…
..
.
If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?”
==================================
Benjamin was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks.
After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over $50000. Benjamin was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.
The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. Benjamin said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said “sure” and got him a computer.
A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.
The warden asked Benjamin what happened. Benjamin said it didn`t work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.
The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. Benjamin said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.
Benjamin said, “I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq.”
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
The right answerr.
The teacher said, “I’ll give 2 dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Maurice, come up here and I’ll give you 2 dollars.”
As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, “You know Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”
Maurice replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”
The woman was very rich and the man was poor but honest.
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it.
One night he had been a little more tender than usual. “You are very rich,” he ventured.
“Yes,” she replied frankly, I’m worth 1.25 million dollars.”
“And I’m poor,” he replied. “Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“I thought you would say no.”
“Then why did you ask me?”
“Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses 1.25 million dollars.”
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office
and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window.
He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for $5000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$5000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stan. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
“Darn, where did she get all THAT from?” wonders Stanley.
The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.
——————————————————————————————————-
A Texan Farmer Goes To Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia.
There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation.
The Australian shows off his large wheat field, and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch for a bit, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan farmer immediately said:
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asked, “And what are those”?
The Australian responds with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a nice day!!!
A government man approaches a pig farmer one day.
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The man is shocked, he says, “Sir, this is animal cruelty! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer replies: “Oh the pigs? Only the best products, sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses, and hand-picked salads!”
The man is shocked, he says, “Sir, the food is way too rich for them, they’ll get sick! I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
On the third day, another man approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: “Oh the pigs? I’ll give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves.”
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
———————————————————————————————————————
A Man and Smart Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2, and that continues for a year.
Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50.
“Well,” he thinks, “it’s always better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00.
“What’s going on now?” The beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1, what’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “my eldest son went to college last year. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs. This year, my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” Asks the beggar.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
Two Beggars in London
Two beggars in London. Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Ali does but only gets £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali, “I work as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’
Ali says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”
Habib’s sign reads, “I have no job, a wife, and 6 kids to support.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says, “So what does your sign say?’
Ali shows his sign to Habib. It reads,
“I only need another £10 to move back to my country.’
LOL!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!
————————————————————————————————————————-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed
At 9 p.m
he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to have a “great time” with his wife— which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking, I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.” The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied,
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were
…
..
.
You’ll have to wait 9 months, though You got pregnant last night!”
=========
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.”
The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He answers, “Yes, they’re using them now; they’re very good and protect me from robbers, too.”
The man at the door says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck!” He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A customer left his cell phone in a store
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”
…
..
.
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke.
Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.
Barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
Chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
Barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
Chap says, “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”
=====
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?”
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry; we still have three engines.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we still have two engines left”.
An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.
…
..
.
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”
============================================
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.
“What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey – after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old,
goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied…
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying:
“WHOA, hold on there sweetie… I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S – Please let us know if you’ve seen him, we’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office:
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”
“We’ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation.” the principal said
A few minutes later, the English teacher come in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm.
“He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
“That’s no excuse,” shouted the father.
…
..
.
“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle.
After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, “I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills. “The boy quickly replied.
“That’s right, lady.
…
..
.
The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any chance for a reward.”
LOLLLL, did you laugh? we hope you enjoy this joke.
Have a nice day!
You are loved!
====================================
First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss!
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a big corporate empire. Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry. “Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.
But—oops! He didn’t dial the pantry.
A voice on the other end snaps back, “You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”
“No,” the trainee replies.
The voice on the other end huffs, “It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee thinks for a second, then shouts back, “And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”
The CEO, now totally confused, asks, “No, who?”
The trainee replies, “Good!” and hangs up.